Whenever anyone asks, my internal dialogue goes something like this:
“How much time do you think they have?”
“Oh, just give them the short version.”
“But she’s too small/not doing enough for [actual age] they might wonder what’s wrong with her.”
“Well, then just tell them [adjusted age]!”
“But that’s a LIE! She’s NOT [adjusted age]. Do you think they really want the whole story?”
“I don’t know, but this is getting ridiculous. Just tell them something already! Sheesh…” [stomps off to think about something much more interesting, such as what’s for dinner]
After all that, my answer depends on who is doing the asking. If it’s some random stranger on the street, who is obviously asking only to be polite, I give them the short version: actual age. Adele’s big enough now and charting appropriately for her actual age, so I figure no one should really think twice. [This is a relatively new change in my way of thinking. When she first came home from the hospital, she was significantly smaller than a “normal” 3-month-old, and I felt the “actual/adjusted” spiel was necessary.] If they make a comment about her not doing this or that, or outright ask about her development (i.e. “Is she sitting up yet?”), then I give the explanation of her prematurity. Those who know us already know her story so I can give the short, no-further-explanation-necessary, “X actual/X adjusted” line. I make exceptions for mothers with similar-in-age babies because I know they’re doing the same thing I’m doing—silently, discreetly comparing—and I feel I need to explain. Not to say I think she needs an excuse, but I know those moms are also reading “What to Expect the First Year” and are mentally checking off the milestones for each month for each baby.
“You say your baby hasn’t rolled over yet?* Oh….” (Which could mean “Oh, you poor thing, I hope she learns to walk before she goes to kindergarten!” or “Thank GOD it’s not just my child!”)
The adjusted/actual issue causes a lot of hiccups in a lot of areas. For instance, whenever we make her monthly well-baby appointments, the nurse always has to ask which month/age it’s for. Um, good question! Take your pick! Inevitably, they give me the info sheet for her actual age, which is good for future planning but not so helpful now. Then there’s the starting solids debate. From a digestive standpoint she’s almost 7 months old, but she’s got the motor skills of a 4-month-old. There’s a huge difference between the two ages when it comes to solid food readiness. Just the other day I came across a whole new kind of age conundrum. I found a class through our local Parks & Rec department called “Aqua Mom & Me.” It’s a water resistance class where you use baby’s weight in the water as added resistance. The class is for moms (or dads, I assume) with babies older than 6 months. Is that 6 months ACTUAL or 6 months ADJUSTED? Sigh…here we go again. Is the age requirement some randomly-chosen number, or was it selected based on the physical control that “normal” 6-month-olds exhibit? If we enroll, will I find it difficult to complete the exercises because I have to work harder at keeping her supported? Will I put her in danger because of it? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? When is it okay to stop obsessing about the difference between her actual/adjusted ages?
The good news is that with time the age difference will become less and less of an issue, and eventually she’ll catch up to (and hopefully surpass, in some areas) those children who are the same actual age she is. In the meantime, though, if you ask me how old she is and I get a far-away look in my eyes, bear with me as I try to formulate just the right answer.
*Disclaimer: She gets a lot of leeway in the development department to account for her prematurity, so it’s perfectly acceptable if she’s doing only 4-month-old things and hasn't accomplished older-kid tasks, such as rolling over. However, she’s accomplished most (if not all) of the “should be doing” 4-month-old things, and a few things a couple months beyond. So there.
4 comments:
Hi Darrah,
It is Jen Johnson. I hear ya! I think around 12 months it gets better, but I can remember when I went through this *exact* same debate!
Although that preemie sliding scale (how old are you really??) will be used for the next few years. I think it is used for convenience to explain why something or some task may not be up to par on some scale or chart at some point. Our parents as teachers person still takes it into consideration, although the doctors don't seem to care too much--at this point (34 months).
Alas, just wanted to share that I have felt your pain!
Jen
How weird....I was just going to say that I know a few people who have been in this situation, and wondered how they handled it. And one of them is named Jen Johnson!
Love the look into your internal dialogue. haha. And not to compare Adele with Lucas (Jen's kid), but Lucas was even walking before Carina, despite being premature. But your cunundrum is a sticky wicket indeed.
On the other end of the spectrum, I had Peyton who has always been very large for his age. I always heard "He's to old to be carried, he's too old to have a pacifier, he's too old to be on a bottle." etc.
You are doing a great job and Adele is adorably cute for real age and adjusted age :-) She's an amazing little girl.
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